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i know one true thing

This stream of consciousness thing has gotten hard again. There's blockages in there.

I fall into the endless circle: certain things remove the blockages, but I feel compelled to prove that I'm not dependent on those things, so I don't do them; and the blockages grow. I know that I need to regard those things as tools, under my control. We are stronger because of the tools we use, not weaker. Many times I've attacked this thought process, but it keeps coming back.

Life up here is very sweet, peaceful, idyllic; and in that is a deadly distraction. It's so easy to while away my days under the trees, to be satisfied with small things and claim they are milestones to a greater goal.

I am a priestess. I have one Mass scheduled next month. That's not enough. And I don't mean performing Mass, I mean Being a Priestess. Whatever that means. Perhaps it means the process of discovering what being a priestess means.

I am an artist. And while I have a gallery, my goal for so long, there's now so much more to be done. It felt for a while that if only I could find a gallery, the way would be clear. But rather than following the stream to the river, I'm ascending the tree to more and more choices.

I had a Realization (tm) a while ago that I had better learn to like doing housework, because there is always more to be done, by the very definition of housework. The same goes for all aspects of life, I guess, all the scary new horizons. You rest when you die. And you die when you rest.

I've been distracted; I've been resting. And a bit of me just woke up, tapped me on the shoulder, and politely pointed out that a certain spiritual death was not far off if I kept up this way.

The precise things I have been doing will not change that much, I don't think. But the purpose behind them has been drifting off, and that MUST change. It is all to a greater purpose. Everything I say, everything I eat, everything I breathe, is in service to the Great Work.

Heh. Amusing analogy just came to mind. In chess, the first level of play is tactics - individual moves, or sets of moves, designed to do certain short-range goals. I move the pawn so my bishop can come out and threaten that piece. I move my knight to simultaneously defend the threat square to my king and block access to my weak file. Tactics can be quite complex, quite sophisticated, but in the end they are but a series of individual plays balancing precariously on one another.

After tactics comes strategy. Each move is chosen not only to advance tactics but to strengthen your overall position and bring you one step closer to winning the game. Rather than a series of individual plays balancing one on the next, you build a stable pyramid, unassailable from without and radiant with strength from within.

Strategy is exhausting to enact, but in the end it's the only way to win.

Comments

oscuridad
Aug. 21st, 2005 09:05 am (UTC)
The same goes for all aspects of life, I guess, all the scary new horizons. You rest when you die. And you die when you rest.

That really resonates with me right now. I feel like I'm swimming as fast as I can but no one cares and no one notices. Probably means it's time to move on. It's just lonely. That's all. I'm really, really lonely. But...you die when you rest and you rest when you die. So, I need to get used to the discomfort because I have no doubt that I'll be alone for a long time to come.

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Heather Keith Freeman
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