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old and new thought processes

I really need to [______].
*grumble* *whine* *complain*
I really *really* need to [________]
*grumble* *whine* *complain*
(repeat ad nauseam, until something snaps.)
OKAY, OKAY, I'll [________].
why didn't I do this earlier?
and so I feel simultaneously disgusted with myself for giving in, and for not doing it earlier, and for putting myself through this mess in the first place, thereby robbing myself of any sense of accomplishment for doing it at all

For a long time I've been trying to break this pattern, but I've been doing it at the *procrastinate* stage. I need to nip it earlier. Actually, no; I don't "need" to do anything. I want to.

I don't need to do laundry. I want to do laundry, because then we will have clean clothes and I won't be stressing about all the dirty laundry all the time.

I don't need to eat lunch. I want to eat lunch, because it will make me feel better and give me energy to continue my productive day.

Odd. In the Thelemic philosophy we tend to put great stock on Will as opposed to Want; but I've been locked into the Need as opposed to Want, which (for me, anyway) is incredibly counterproductive. And Want and Will are far from mutually exclusive. So I will actively, deliberately, start bringing Want to a higher priority. If I catch myself thinking "I need to do X", right then and there I will stop, and consider whether I want to do it.

(Ironically, this post was inspired by my daily "I should eat. I don't wanna eat. I need to eat...." self-diatribe, and so I am procrastinating the necessary eating. But I felt the breakthrough in the thought process important enough that I needed - no, wanted to record it before eating.

And now? I think I want to make myself a sandwich.


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 12th, 2005 09:55 pm (UTC)
I get like that for things like housework a lot. Lately I've been making a list and forcing myself to do it first before doing things I like - sort of a reward.

"If I start the laundry and do the dishes, I can go play this game as much as I like. Otherwise I have to stop playing to get them done before I go to bed."

I've often had this with food on days when I'm not immediately hungry but I know I should eat. Usually I am just bored with what I have available, so I get something different. But no, it doesn't always work.


Don't ya just hate your brain sometimes?

Jan. 12th, 2005 10:06 pm (UTC)
I can totally relate.
Jan. 12th, 2005 10:08 pm (UTC)
It is nice to know that I am not the only one who has those sort of conversations with myself. Thanx for sharing the breakthrough. How was the sandwich?
Jan. 12th, 2005 10:56 pm (UTC)
Very tasty :)
Jan. 12th, 2005 11:23 pm (UTC)
let's focus on what's really important...
What kind of sandwich?

Jan. 12th, 2005 11:38 pm (UTC)
Re: let's focus on what's really important...
Jan. 12th, 2005 11:50 pm (UTC)
That's a really good way of approaching it. I need, no, want to start thinking that way, too. I'm horrible at putting things off.
Jan. 13th, 2005 01:19 am (UTC)
Neale Donald Walsch makes a poignant statement about need in one of his "Conversations With God" books: need is an illusion, and in actuality, we need nothing. I've found it an interesting idea to meditate on.

My partner, steryon, replaces "want" with "desire". It feels somewhat less...superficial (for lack of a better adjective).
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )


firesea: self-portrait
Heather Keith Freeman
Fire Sea Studios

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