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So there have been several classes of reaction to the election on LIveJournal today. One class, into which I firmly fall, is heartbroken and angry, and is thinking seriously of leaving the country.

The second class says "what? Don't tell me you were surprised?"

To them I say no, I wasn't surprised. I've been very unhappy with the direction this country is going pretty much since I was capable of analyzing it. This election was my one last hope, that those who believe as I do would rise up and take the country back. I only hoped - but even only hopes can be dashed into shards of broken glass.

The third class is as angry and upset as the first, but they say to stand and fight, and rain bitter words on those of us who want to run away.

You know what? I wish I had the heart to keep fighting. And I cheer on those who do. But I'm done. I've got my own life to live. In the end, I put my trust in myself - not in my god, not in my country, not even in my fellow men. In myself. And I have to do what's best for myself first. This means getting myself to an environment where I can accomplish my will without anyone taking it away from me. And if you don't like those priorities - fuck you very much.

Oh, and I'm sure there are also those of you who are scoffing at the notion that there's anything to be afraid of. And to them I point out that I am a bisexual, polyamorous, Libertarian, ceremonial sex magician. I'm planning on having children soon. In the last four years people have had their children taken away from them for being pagan, for being poly, for living any form of 'alternate lifestyle' you can name. And they've been arrested, kept in jail without a lawyer, harassed and monitored. Women's reproductive rights have been set back twenty years. The country as a whole has become polarized to the extreme, and rubber bands stretched too far don't just come bouncing back. They break. And hurt people in the process.

I've listened and read and talked to conservatives in recent years, leading all the way up to this election. I've tried to understand their point of view, at least get some idea where they're coming from. And I have failed at every turn. I don't see any way to even have a debate with them, and trying simply makes me angry and frustrated to the point where if I keep it up, I will destroy myself.

Keep in mind that I'd be happy to just disagree with them if they were willing to let me live my life in peace. But I don't believe they are. And rather than standing my ground to let the bully smash his fist in my face again and again, yes, I will run away. If I have anything to contribute to this fight, it's in the words and images I create. And those I will create, but from a safe distance, so I can be reasonably sure that I can keep on creating them.

Finally, a practical note. I realize it's difficult to emigrate, and a long, expensive process. It may not be possible for me to leave for a few years, and in that time it's possible, just barely, that the country will turn around and prove me wrong. I pray fervently that I am proved wrong.

So. If you still think poorly of me for having those priorities, that's your call. But I humbly point out that you have bigger battles to fight than to pick on those who essentially agree with you.

And in the meantime, I have a life to live.


Nov. 3rd, 2004 08:38 pm (UTC)
(A) I'm sorry you are going through what you are going through. However,

(B) Please do not project the problems you are going through onto other people, including myself. For my clarification to another person, please see my other comment.

Finally (C), let me note that many people pick those who are badly suited for us because our attraction betray us. There were probably plenty of people who passed you buy who you were either not attracted to or unwilling to approach, at some level believing they were too "nice" or too "unapproachable."

Hell; I've been there, done that, bought the whole fucking wardrobe of t-shirts.

I'd love to say something pithy or wise which would help your problem--but there is absolutely nothing I can say, even expressions of sympathy, which will mean squat. All I'll note is that it's probably best to seek council or at least someone to talk to who will try to listen and help you rather than reinforce your situation.
Nov. 3rd, 2004 10:48 pm (UTC)
so you have proven that you did not read all of my reply accurately -- the situation is past, over. It has in fact been over since I was a Miverval (dead now for more than two years due to college costs). What is it that I am going through? Shall I feel tortured because there's a guy who can't find anyone new to con and thus lives in his friend's basement, or shall I feel tortured because while he sits there making no progress at all -- I have surmounted the whole thing -- paid off bills, done my BA and am nearly finished with my MA.

Are you sorry to hear that I "got" Thelema out of the gig? Feel free to contact me directly. I am really not sure what part of "what [I am] going through" I should be unhappy about. I am very happy to be a single graduate student.

All I am saying is that perhaps you don't see the semantic impact because you may have never had to witness such a thing unfold in your own life. I simply think that something more akin to "bummer you didn't see the real [him/her] until it was too late" would be much more appropriate than telling someone that they are the one who picked the SOB.

It's kinda like telling a sick person that you "understand" rather than "can imagine". Understand implies that you have been in terribly similar situations. "Can imagine" implies that the notion MUST by left to imagination because you have nothing upon which to base your judgment, no common experiences.
Nov. 4th, 2004 12:02 am (UTC)
It's kinda like telling a sick person that you "understand" rather than "can imagine".
With all due respect, you seem to have a rather large chip on your shoulder to assume that I can't possible "understand" or "imagine" or what-not, or to initially attack me based on a throw-away comment.

Regardless, I wish you peace. Goodbye.


firesea: self-portrait
Heather Keith Freeman
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