(Got this in a forward, I don't know where it's from originally.)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be
better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of
intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I
do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art
is easier than you think!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more.