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more on wanting

a few more thoughts relating to this post:

The first problem is that I do want it all now. I'm sick of dating, I'm sick of worrying about money, I'm sick of not spending money on anything for fear it will be what breaks the bank and sends me back east with my tail between my legs. I know this is an unrealistic desire, but nonetheless it's taking a toll on my will to keep going.

The second problem is focus. I want so many different things, all so badly, that it's very difficult to concentrate on one at a time, and I never seem to get anywhere on anything unless I do immerse myself in it for some period of time. But when I immerse myself in doing artwork, I don't get anywhere on selling it; when I try to sell it, I fret that I don't have enough finished work (as an example).

The third problem is that some of these things, the family in particular, I want so desperately that I think it's blinding me to reality. I'm looking so hard for the goal that I fail to notice when the road in front of me is in fact a yawning crevasse. I'd like to be able to just relax and take things as they are - that path will be little if any slower than the other, and much less risky or stressful. But in order to do that I would have to distance myself from my desires, or force myself to not map them to present circumstances, which ain't happenin'.

So saying I want too much isn't that I want too much in any moral sense - but that my desires are tripping me up and blinding me, making it much harder to actually satisfy any of them, much less ever achieve the whole package.


Feb. 7th, 2003 07:27 am (UTC)
*deep breath*
You knew you were taking a big risk to leave your job and house here to pursue a dream in Seattle, and to pursue your artwork. I admired that courage when you decided on it, and I still do. You knew it was a longshot, but chasing a dream always is.

Regardless of what happens, though, you are not a failure. I feel proud to know you, and love you, the person who stood up to be counted, and shed these shackles of mediocrity burdening so many of us, and to chase your dream. Don't ever lose faith in your courage. You may succeed, and you may fail -- but by simply trying, you have already placed yourself above so many.

Only when it was too late did I realize I never knew my father's dream for himself. As his legacy lives on throughout the lives he touched, I find this to be my biggest regret. I have felt lost for a very long time, and to an extent still do, trying to find my dream. Above all, however, I know not if I would have the courage to pursue such a dream with the determination and depth of soul as you have.

Should you need to return East, you will find the house warm, cozy, and full of cats. Katy's done a marvelous job of transforming it into a marvelously comfortable living space to come home to. It's a little rough around the edges, perhaps. Remember, you are always welcome, and you are always loved.


firesea: self-portrait
Heather Keith Freeman
Fire Sea Studios

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