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brain go whirrrr

ok, the chiropractor did some weird shit to me today. apparently my joints are finally starting to release their tension - the only problem (though this is what's supposed to happen) is that the joints release their tension into the next layer up, which is my muscles.

so I am *so* tense right now it's incredible. I feel wound tight as a spring and my emotional state is feeding off of that and making me bounce off the walls. but I can feel the looseness in my joints, I think - very odd, but I'm trying to memorize the feeling so I can keep myself from internalizing the tension again, and rather ground the tension directly. (manipulating energy without internalizing it? that's possible?!)

on another note, I had an insight into myself today. I've been told over and over by a dozen different sources that the only way to self-esteem, and the only way to get over your fear of something, is to set and achieve small, manageable goals. (e.g. - my fear of the telephone. make enough small, low-risk calls, and it should start to go away.)

now as logical as this is, the problem for me has always been that this doesn't work. Case in point: this morning. I sent an email to a friend setting up a dinner date (something that's actually pretty hard for me to do when I haven't taken my adderall yet, which I hadn't - due partly to add and partly to my avoidant and social-phobic tendencies, which is an issue for another time). Then I started my next (and intended primary goal) for that time slot - printing out this one piece of artwork. Very straightforward, I knew each step and had done it a dozen times before. But in the process I managed to sit on my keyboard, knock over a couple dishes, bruise my knee, lose my ruler, and get very very frustrated (the artwork never did get printed).

So, basically, when I should be feeling good about myself for getting one thing done, I end up feeling worse because suddenly I can't seem to do even the truly trivial things.

Now this doesn't seem to be as bad when I'm on adderall - for example, I just now called the bus lost and found to see if they'd found my gloves (they hadn't, alas), and I haven't started flailing yet. I feel uptight, like I'm expecting to start flailing, but that's about it.

Two questions in my head now: first, why do I seem to have this reaction, and second, why does adderall help? (since in and of itself I can't really see a relationship to add.)

I could keep going on about this for a while, but I have to eat something before I run off to my doctor's appointment. More later, perhaps.

Comments

mh75
Dec. 18th, 2002 10:53 am (UTC)
I'm not sure how Adderal works, but, i suspect that it does make sense that is prevents you from reacting so strongly to to trivial matters. In order to treat ADD it needs to keep you from getting sidetracked. Getting upset about things that you should be able to move past isn't that unlike getting sidetracked.

I, too, sometimes can't handle little upsets in my life. I am doing much better in recent years, but i still sometimes react in inappropriate ways. (It is the mentality that 'A went wrong, therefore i don't deserve to live, or life isn't worth living'.) I try to actively remind myself that I don't need to react to certain things, and to move onwards from those things. It actually seems to help. It takes some vigilince, but gets easier with practice.

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firesea: self-portrait
jnanacandra
Heather Keith Freeman
Fire Sea Studios

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