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brain go whirrrr

ok, the chiropractor did some weird shit to me today. apparently my joints are finally starting to release their tension - the only problem (though this is what's supposed to happen) is that the joints release their tension into the next layer up, which is my muscles.

so I am *so* tense right now it's incredible. I feel wound tight as a spring and my emotional state is feeding off of that and making me bounce off the walls. but I can feel the looseness in my joints, I think - very odd, but I'm trying to memorize the feeling so I can keep myself from internalizing the tension again, and rather ground the tension directly. (manipulating energy without internalizing it? that's possible?!)

on another note, I had an insight into myself today. I've been told over and over by a dozen different sources that the only way to self-esteem, and the only way to get over your fear of something, is to set and achieve small, manageable goals. (e.g. - my fear of the telephone. make enough small, low-risk calls, and it should start to go away.)

now as logical as this is, the problem for me has always been that this doesn't work. Case in point: this morning. I sent an email to a friend setting up a dinner date (something that's actually pretty hard for me to do when I haven't taken my adderall yet, which I hadn't - due partly to add and partly to my avoidant and social-phobic tendencies, which is an issue for another time). Then I started my next (and intended primary goal) for that time slot - printing out this one piece of artwork. Very straightforward, I knew each step and had done it a dozen times before. But in the process I managed to sit on my keyboard, knock over a couple dishes, bruise my knee, lose my ruler, and get very very frustrated (the artwork never did get printed).

So, basically, when I should be feeling good about myself for getting one thing done, I end up feeling worse because suddenly I can't seem to do even the truly trivial things.

Now this doesn't seem to be as bad when I'm on adderall - for example, I just now called the bus lost and found to see if they'd found my gloves (they hadn't, alas), and I haven't started flailing yet. I feel uptight, like I'm expecting to start flailing, but that's about it.

Two questions in my head now: first, why do I seem to have this reaction, and second, why does adderall help? (since in and of itself I can't really see a relationship to add.)

I could keep going on about this for a while, but I have to eat something before I run off to my doctor's appointment. More later, perhaps.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 18th, 2002 10:53 am (UTC)
I'm not sure how Adderal works, but, i suspect that it does make sense that is prevents you from reacting so strongly to to trivial matters. In order to treat ADD it needs to keep you from getting sidetracked. Getting upset about things that you should be able to move past isn't that unlike getting sidetracked.

I, too, sometimes can't handle little upsets in my life. I am doing much better in recent years, but i still sometimes react in inappropriate ways. (It is the mentality that 'A went wrong, therefore i don't deserve to live, or life isn't worth living'.) I try to actively remind myself that I don't need to react to certain things, and to move onwards from those things. It actually seems to help. It takes some vigilince, but gets easier with practice.
Dec. 18th, 2002 11:25 am (UTC)
Do you want to know the tiny details about why Adderall works and what happens in your brain? Seriously, it just so happens that your new boyfriend's Texas firlfriend is an expert on both of those questions.

As well, the person who told you to focus on the small measurable goals was right. Those of us with ADD tend to try to look at the giant picture and find that place where we fail. OTOH, we are some of the most strong willed, willing to get back up off our bruised butts kind of people. A gift from the Gods I suppose in return for the shit of having such a different brain in a world that thinks different is bad.

If you have the opportunity, read any of Daniel Amen's stuff. He shows pictures of what happens in our kind of brains along with many non drug things we can do. I happen to be way pro drug, but as I'm sure you've found, it isn't the be all and end all.
Dec. 18th, 2002 11:43 pm (UTC)
I've heard several analogies for what add medication does, but never an actual description (which I would be very interested in knowing).
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


firesea: self-portrait
Heather Keith Freeman
Fire Sea Studios

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