so I am *so* tense right now it's incredible. I feel wound tight as a spring and my emotional state is feeding off of that and making me bounce off the walls. but I can feel the looseness in my joints, I think - very odd, but I'm trying to memorize the feeling so I can keep myself from internalizing the tension again, and rather ground the tension directly. (manipulating energy without internalizing it? that's possible?!)
on another note, I had an insight into myself today. I've been told over and over by a dozen different sources that the only way to self-esteem, and the only way to get over your fear of something, is to set and achieve small, manageable goals. (e.g. - my fear of the telephone. make enough small, low-risk calls, and it should start to go away.)
now as logical as this is, the problem for me has always been that this doesn't work. Case in point: this morning. I sent an email to a friend setting up a dinner date (something that's actually pretty hard for me to do when I haven't taken my adderall yet, which I hadn't - due partly to add and partly to my avoidant and social-phobic tendencies, which is an issue for another time). Then I started my next (and intended primary goal) for that time slot - printing out this one piece of artwork. Very straightforward, I knew each step and had done it a dozen times before. But in the process I managed to sit on my keyboard, knock over a couple dishes, bruise my knee, lose my ruler, and get very very frustrated (the artwork never did get printed).
So, basically, when I should be feeling good about myself for getting one thing done, I end up feeling worse because suddenly I can't seem to do even the truly trivial things.
Now this doesn't seem to be as bad when I'm on adderall - for example, I just now called the bus lost and found to see if they'd found my gloves (they hadn't, alas), and I haven't started flailing yet. I feel uptight, like I'm expecting to start flailing, but that's about it.
Two questions in my head now: first, why do I seem to have this reaction, and second, why does adderall help? (since in and of itself I can't really see a relationship to add.)
I could keep going on about this for a while, but I have to eat something before I run off to my doctor's appointment. More later, perhaps.