January 12th, 2005

firesea: self-portrait

old and new thought processes

I really need to [______].
*grumble* *whine* *complain*
I really *really* need to [________]
*grumble* *whine* *complain*
(repeat ad nauseam, until something snaps.)
OKAY, OKAY, I'll [________].
why didn't I do this earlier?
and so I feel simultaneously disgusted with myself for giving in, and for not doing it earlier, and for putting myself through this mess in the first place, thereby robbing myself of any sense of accomplishment for doing it at all

For a long time I've been trying to break this pattern, but I've been doing it at the *procrastinate* stage. I need to nip it earlier. Actually, no; I don't "need" to do anything. I want to.

I don't need to do laundry. I want to do laundry, because then we will have clean clothes and I won't be stressing about all the dirty laundry all the time.

I don't need to eat lunch. I want to eat lunch, because it will make me feel better and give me energy to continue my productive day.

Odd. In the Thelemic philosophy we tend to put great stock on Will as opposed to Want; but I've been locked into the Need as opposed to Want, which (for me, anyway) is incredibly counterproductive. And Want and Will are far from mutually exclusive. So I will actively, deliberately, start bringing Want to a higher priority. If I catch myself thinking "I need to do X", right then and there I will stop, and consider whether I want to do it.

(Ironically, this post was inspired by my daily "I should eat. I don't wanna eat. I need to eat...." self-diatribe, and so I am procrastinating the necessary eating. But I felt the breakthrough in the thought process important enough that I needed - no, wanted to record it before eating.

And now? I think I want to make myself a sandwich.
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quick plug

For those who have joined me recently: you may also want to befriend firesea, where I post my new artwork as it goes up on Fire Sea Studios. I sometimes crosspost the updates, but I'm trying to do that less often in the interests of efficiency, and maintaining the purpose of having a separate art journal at all. (There was an update just now... hint hint ;)

Anyway. firesea. If you have any interest in my artwork, add it to your friends list. Now, darnit!
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    pleased pleased