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February 6th, 2003

What do I want?

all right

kicking myself out of the house today. going down to the art museum (free admission today, wahoo!). I may stick around (or go back down) for the Pioneer Square Art Walk. Going to take my sketchbook, pretend I'm a freshman art student again....


(urk. lj is broken. apologies if this posts multiple times.)

with reference to my earlier post...

I forgot to add "And I want it NOW" to the end.

Now is it too much? :)

more on wanting

a few more thoughts relating to this post:

The first problem is that I do want it all now. I'm sick of dating, I'm sick of worrying about money, I'm sick of not spending money on anything for fear it will be what breaks the bank and sends me back east with my tail between my legs. I know this is an unrealistic desire, but nonetheless it's taking a toll on my will to keep going.

The second problem is focus. I want so many different things, all so badly, that it's very difficult to concentrate on one at a time, and I never seem to get anywhere on anything unless I do immerse myself in it for some period of time. But when I immerse myself in doing artwork, I don't get anywhere on selling it; when I try to sell it, I fret that I don't have enough finished work (as an example).

The third problem is that some of these things, the family in particular, I want so desperately that I think it's blinding me to reality. I'm looking so hard for the goal that I fail to notice when the road in front of me is in fact a yawning crevasse. I'd like to be able to just relax and take things as they are - that path will be little if any slower than the other, and much less risky or stressful. But in order to do that I would have to distance myself from my desires, or force myself to not map them to present circumstances, which ain't happenin'.

So saying I want too much isn't that I want too much in any moral sense - but that my desires are tripping me up and blinding me, making it much harder to actually satisfy any of them, much less ever achieve the whole package.

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firesea: self-portrait
jnanacandra
Heather Keith Freeman
Fire Sea Studios

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