November 9th, 2001

firesea: self-portrait


So last night I picked up a violin (for the first time in years, but I didn't sound that bad, thank you). After a few pieces I noticed an odd sensation, stopped playing, and looked down.

There was Mithril, chewing on my right ankle and looking very unhappy.

I shoved her away and resumed playing. Back she came, to gnaw on my ankle. Shove. Play. Gnaw. Repeat cycle for a while. Eventually she gave up and just lurked behind me, still looking unhappy. I vocally ministrated with her to just go into another room if she disliked the sound so much, and eventually she did.

Meerkat's hypothesis was that the violin sounded like a sick/hurt cat, and she was trying to help. In any case, it was both miserably pathetic and horribly funny.
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    amused amused
firesea: self-portrait


When you discover something that has been wrong with you or your life for a long time - say how your parents screwed you up, or that kid in 1st grade who teased you and did permanent damage to your self-esteem, or discovering that ADD has been why you never got anything done, etc. etc. etc., it's entirely too easy to start being bitter about all the lost opportunities, all the miserable times that could have been avoided. It's really easy to do, and I've spent a lot of time doing that over the course of my life.

You know what? It's POINTLESS.

Yeah, I'm not where I could have been had I figured out all of this stuff earlier - but where I am isn't all bad either. There's always the artistic experience angle, too - I have a greater appreciation for human misery, or something. I've got a lot of life left yet, and I'm not that far off from where I'd like to be. All things considered, I've done pretty damn well for myself.

It won't matter in ten years that I didn't come close to getting university honors. It won't matter in ten years that my wedding wasn't exactly the way I wanted it to be, or that we didn't refinance our mortgage in time to get us that extra thousand bucks. It won't matter in ten years that I didn't get anything done in my first year and a half in the workplace. It will matter that I know I tried my best, and did well considering my limitations at the time.

But it's still so tempting to wonder what might have been. And such a slippery slope from wondering to wishing.
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    determined determined