September 24th, 2001

firesea: self-portrait

you have her face and her eyes but you are not her

What does it cost to stay true to yourself? How do you know what staying true to yourself means when you aren't sure who you are? When I try to describe myself, it comes out all contradictions. I sometimes feel like I hide among my friends; like I let them do the work of defining me by how they see me. But I don't even know how they see me.

One thing I've learned at great cost is the necessity of not letting people take more of you than you're willing to give, even if they give you the impression that just a little bit more from you will fix whatever's wrong. You can't fix anyone else. You can only fix yourself. and you can't even help anyone else unless you're okay. Boundaries. I don't like to place walls between myself and my friends, but sometimes I have to so I don't get vampirized into oblivion. Or does having to do that just mean that the friendship isn't worth it?

Hungry. Should fix lunch.
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