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July 11th, 2001

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAA
AaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
aaAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAA
i have to get out of here.

GOOD F*CKING GRIEF

just got jc to call back the psych place, which was supposed to call us with a new appointment (to do what they were supposed to do last time) by the end of last week. apparently they thought we were going to call them, so now they'll call us back tomorrow. in theory.

i am so sick of this.

well then

yucky stuff ahead - read at your own risk. I'm not posting this for sympathy or to get attention, but to remind myself later that I really did feel what I felt today. If I don't put it someplace semi-public I know I'll just blow it off later, and I shouldn't do that for this.

I got an annoying email from some higher-up in my department, asking me to account for all the time I had charged to this one project. Now, in reality, I have done almost nothing on that project, but I had nothing else to charge my time to. This started a downward spiral where I was envisioning reviews and firings and losing my house and all sorts of shit, and by the end I was suicidal for the first time in nearly four years. Not seriously I'm-getting-up-to-go-find-a-bridge so, but I was sitting there thinking "Did i bring any pills with me that I could OD on" or "could I electrocute myself with the equipment in here?" A meta-part of my brain was watching me in horror, trying to pull me out of it, and eventually I guess it did.

What I need to remember now is that there is definitely something seriously wrong here; even if it's not ADD (which I've been torturing myself with ever since I came up with the idea) I have got to get some help. This whatever-it-is is destroying my life.

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Heather Keith Freeman
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