I got an annoying email from some higher-up in my department, asking me to account for all the time I had charged to this one project. Now, in reality, I have done almost nothing on that project, but I had nothing else to charge my time to. This started a downward spiral where I was envisioning reviews and firings and losing my house and all sorts of shit, and by the end I was suicidal for the first time in nearly four years. Not seriously I'm-getting-up-to-go-find-a-bridge so, but I was sitting there thinking "Did i bring any pills with me that I could OD on" or "could I electrocute myself with the equipment in here?" A meta-part of my brain was watching me in horror, trying to pull me out of it, and eventually I guess it did.
What I need to remember now is that there is definitely something seriously wrong here; even if it's not ADD (which I've been torturing myself with ever since I came up with the idea) I have got to get some help. This whatever-it-is is destroying my life.