Heather Keith Freeman (jnanacandra) wrote,
Heather Keith Freeman
jnanacandra

  • Mood:

well then

yucky stuff ahead - read at your own risk. I'm not posting this for sympathy or to get attention, but to remind myself later that I really did feel what I felt today. If I don't put it someplace semi-public I know I'll just blow it off later, and I shouldn't do that for this.

I got an annoying email from some higher-up in my department, asking me to account for all the time I had charged to this one project. Now, in reality, I have done almost nothing on that project, but I had nothing else to charge my time to. This started a downward spiral where I was envisioning reviews and firings and losing my house and all sorts of shit, and by the end I was suicidal for the first time in nearly four years. Not seriously I'm-getting-up-to-go-find-a-bridge so, but I was sitting there thinking "Did i bring any pills with me that I could OD on" or "could I electrocute myself with the equipment in here?" A meta-part of my brain was watching me in horror, trying to pull me out of it, and eventually I guess it did.

What I need to remember now is that there is definitely something seriously wrong here; even if it's not ADD (which I've been torturing myself with ever since I came up with the idea) I have got to get some help. This whatever-it-is is destroying my life.
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